i'm sure i can be personal about his for it engulfs my being/chronological abstracted nuances/it builds up from excitable sms through the day into sweeping hugs of joy and wonderment/it's our dramatised play/blisters that set the pace and mealplace/acid jazz that we semifrowned upon/a new secret game that bloomed/hence a new way to touch our fingers/we laugh at dinner we laugh when we walk we laugh when we go supermarketing we laugh above and beneath the skin/it's a new song/no hint of stupid judgments of unnecessary weight/like a flowerpress i'm trying hard to pinch it all/flatten/smudged into me,you/+bent+ariels+ "now i must remember...you take it all around you...colours taste and smells before it fades like a dying ember...the rush of life makes a memory distant.../so i write/so strong that it's so tender/many years like pages/the rush ebbs and flows into stabs/eroding my present/i am writing my history/this everlasting aching hunger to express all/even the blacks of your hair/your methodology of soup drinking/the throb of your heart/we have many quotes i want to immortalise/i am too slow!time still yourself like a frame and fan not foward/my heart would die and i would melt like buttermilk if this should end/so/i love you to the bottom of my pencilcase

do not aim for attempted erasure but prevention which is better than cure. i want it to rain as i am irked with the hotness of it all. it dries me up.

you know me best and you give me the best advice. you pull me up of my longtimeshouldbegone whines and you teach me to look to the future and to embrace what i have and what i will have. that's why you're my medicine, dearest trumpeter and i cannot wait for our date. i want a huge dose of you!

dinner with carol and serene. so sweet friends they are. serene arrived with godiva truffles for us all. a short albeit much-needed meeting. the next one will be physical as we mentioned. with different friends you're connected to different parts of your history and i think that is a beautiful thing. beautiful things!

"And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt."- s. plath

to what extent do you dare live life?

wanted to run in the dark, smell the morning and watch the sunrise so i went for a run at 6.45am. about 3.2km. then pushed myself for thirty laps at the pool where the water was terribly lukewarm and the too bright sun made it a not-so-pleasant swim.

my baby sister has a new toy...walking into her room the delicious fragrance stopped me in my tracks. so that's what a brand new powerbook g4 smells like.

just a short 2.6km but i don't understand why i was so tired. i was literally dragging my feet for every step. somewhat at a horrible plateau. i hate such phrases. got to zip it again. M.Y.Choy sorry for not zipping. i appreciate it totally. my defensive attitude just turns even myself off. mid-week rejuvination; a holistic rehauling of my inner being a compulsory endeavour before the week ends to save myself from tipping off the edge literally. whalish. yuck.

The Practice has just ended. it's amazing how a television show can take a part of you with it as much as parts of it become you. watching it at a time like this makes me think about the life ahead. i really want my career to be something i am passionate about, because i want it to be an innate part of me and vice versa. i don't think i can ever live doing something that does not add and extract to me. but right now, it's so hard because as much as i have to be focused, i still have dunno feeling in me. detached and attached half heartedly yet not maliciously. what would i have done is never a good question to ask. but what can i do is a difficult one. i can conjure nothing up now. i don't know if i am living the days just going by or what. i want back some of that enthusiastic curious adventurer i think i once was when the path was clear but fresh. i don't know where i belong.

it has been a long time since i've felt this way. it was kept real. maybe because it was new.

dropped by at ma's shop to help out and ended up getting a dye job - deep red/violet - which i love but which is subtle cos i've always gravitated towards darker shades. charmaine's birthday dinner at the glass house at fish and co. where it was nicely intimate, where ju and i had a fun time proudly showing off the cute present we got char. how plainly narrative this is. i'm really uninspired for poetic rambling type things. the heat is getting to me and i'm too edgy. anyhow, eva, ju and i headed off to alley bar where it was cosy and we spent about an hour and a half talking about aki and love and the likes. silently listening but the relief and realisation at knowing others felt the same way you did back then somewhere along the growing up years, is a comforting feeling. that's why talking is good, knowing is good. i'm glad for new/oldtonew girlfriends from the aki realm. i think i need it.

this casino debate has been wrung dry. it's an exggravated national library issue. the tone is surely that of frustrated helplessness and a bitter sense of resignation. surely there are economic benefits, as with many decisions made for this and other actions, but the way it was done left a bitter taste in my mouth. how it cheapens the discussion and tries to make gambling seem like going for coffee or indulging in meatballs at ikea. MP Loh Meng See's words echo what i had been trying to articulate- "When political leaders share stories of their 'little' gambling experiences, unwittingly and subtly we are telling the young it is all right to try and play 4D and jackpot machines and have some fun. That to me is the thin end of the wedge, the beginning of disaster." also agreeing with what eunice olson said about the overlooking of the cultivating the people's potential and looking at the casino as the final resort for making singapore vibrant. i think the argument is so contrived, and myopic in some ways. illusionary politics. tough but well they don't see what we have which is great in many ways and always try to copy or label irrelevantly.

so sad. what can i do? only go indulge in some strawberry tea. ick. i am broken-hearted for singapore.

25 mins to the stadium, 6 rounds, and 25 mins back, with one - two minute recesses in between here and there. i think the distance feels good but tomorrow i'll do a quick but fast one. it's not so heart pumping today. but i'm glad.

where did saturday go to? a cloudy concoction is all i can remember - i think there was lots of talk, oh yeah and lots of M.Y. Choy too. [my most favourite thing in the world to have] ha that i like. and the favourite char siew rice and sitting very comfortably next to the mannequin sipping processed drinks in millenia walk.no didn't run yesterday, didn't swim either. today the rain is nice for sleeping. it will definately stop before before six because i have a compulsory run to accomplish. i recall the overhigh i got on friday and i am hungry for it. run run run run run. woohoo! also to do mother's errand and make some birthday cards. shall i then, start on tolstoy's 'war and peace' finally?

and so i look back at it all. and i'm wondering why it turned out this way. and i'm thinking wow, and i'm thinking sigh. and i'm thinking good for them. and i'm thinking how detached i am from it all on the outside but yearning on the inside. then i think, maybe it's not that important after all. i've had what i've had, i'll have what i'll have and like i said before, it's all a bittersweet symphony. and i could mope about it but that's not mine to have. i live in my head too much so the gates are often shut.

i'll guess i'll have a run, pleasethankyouverymuch.

at 10am i felt like a hippopotomus.

at 10pm i felt like superwoman.

yes, exercise can do wonders. in fact, all you need is.....endorphins!!! (okay, m.y. choy, love also) ran to the stadium from home and had kickboxing for forty-five minutes. i pretended i was angelina jolie; ha. i think i must not let the momentum lag for even a day. to continue with my everlasting downsizing project, i must will myself to wake up before the sun's too hot rays blast the earth and get myself out to run or swim before going to give tuition. met my beautiful brenda friend for coffee at junction eight, the meeting place up north; we shared a carrot cake and i had moroccan mint latte. actually i wanted just tea, not latte but then due to the fault, a major discovery was made - moroccan mint latte is a great drink to have when one is missing christmas. it tastes like christmas for sure. coffee talk was about whether rjc would make junction eight feel more intellectual and hip; on matrimonial unions of fellow mates; of things that happen in the machine in the sky. i think i cannot do without such friends. a part of my history, of my present and definately, a big part of my future. much as it is not spoken, we are very dependent on friends somewhat for how we grow and get along in the word. for sure!

this morning, in my many patterned room, i listened to 'the concretes' that swirled around in my head and in my room in a tinkerbell fashion and i desired to re-watch 'almost famous' for a dose of penny lane. instead, i drank green tea and wrote for two hours.

there's my brilliant red loop transversion bag that the trumpeter got for me from san fran before the brand even got popular here. M.Y. Choy you are king!

original penguin has become so chic after, i would like to think, adam brody singlehandedly rocketed it to vintage must-have coolness. and i think you look and feel great in your Original Penguin polos my man

life is about silence, and it is about sound, more specifically, music. good music can get under your skin, and take you into a realm of a sort of silence where you are trying to capture the essence of what the music makes you feel. stillness, i think, not silence. but the two sort of go together. books too, books can make or break a person. also, the deal is, to melt away the bad habits people come to associate with you, especially those close to you, who are so familiar with you they cannot fathom another way of seeing you.

talk to as many people as you can. there is much knowing to do. about yourself, that is.

a little run is better than no run at all. So i pushed myself out for a 2.4km. going to meet ju for lunch to shop for a present. i so love looking for presents, the whole packaging etc. i'm fussy about that. tonight the trumpeter has visitors in the form of french collegues who crap along the save wavelength for some malebonding. so i've decided, i cannot stop. thus tonight i shall schedule another run, a longer one for more kick!

this is the finale of my frantic semester of late nights and constantly changing site forces, of a wonderful cute grouplet of friends, of inspiring tutors and a bombardment of theory, which i enjoy immensely, which is why i am knocking myself on the head for not putting in real effort to do the journal for contemporary theories. bah to me. helped senior cm make an intricate pretty basswood model of st. andrew's cathedral - the laser machine is a godsent. in a fit of self-directed anger at the inadequacy of my journal submission i went to the school library determined to borrow a balzac. i think the library hid all of it just to spite me. nil in the LINC when i searched. so i saw some Trollope which i had always wanted to try. NO BALZAC IN THE NUS LIBRARY!!!! so i had to settle for woolfe. white seats must bump at sushi tei with the trumpeter after school but we agreed white seats must bump no longer - no more kick, even a little lacklustre. bumped into jo dong before that; she had cute buttons on her shirt. we had an ice-cream each of white chocolate crunchy skin. the many many galfriends and i are meeting up soon! and tomorrow i will wake up and go run run run run run. if i don't, i'll....i'll....be a little meaner tomorrow.

no exercise for more than a week. i'm slush now. sobs. okay okay, will get back home early then run for an hour before going to give tuition. then it will be a mad night when i churn out five thousand words for an essay and two summaries. ha.

J applied to NYU to study journalism.....we watched this film fest. feature called 'tarnation'. eyeopener of sorts. introspective film with all the physical gore.

essay bane. i shall begin my everlasting downsizing project by attempting to wake up at 6 to run tomorrow. no more ruts i say. it's only an essay.

am i being too lackerdaisical about my life where i am now? do i want more? what do i want? i suppose i must dig and do until there is naught of that urging feeling? i don't know. haven't felt that way since jc. j said something that sparked a semblence of the old me. ' i now feel like what i was like when i used to be carefree'. it's always a delimma. am i thinking too much? or is this thought of important worth? doing next sem makes me wanna puke. this amount of years in aki school. and i'm nowhere near tops. that's what pisses me off. from hero to zero. the feeling kills. i should learn i guess, to be satisfied.... a restless mind is not good. whatever it is i must get down to my everlasting downsizing project. a little minor thing to get me going somewhat.

ditzy moments. but so ooh. this one, so old-school retro!!!

ahhh. miumiu. so nice....

this essay writing business is more complex than i thought. modernity/asian art...how can i come up with an essay topic and write three thousand words in a day? contemporary theories...i need to read a book on said or habamas blah blah blah and write 500 word summary. in a day too.

aiyah.

deadline should be a month away. deep readings - i need to digest them properly. very chiem this topic.

yo la tengo. three-disc album. attractive, but not tops on my priority lists now. for now i am listening to the sad lovey-dovey flugerhorn sounds from the chet baker cd i kope from M.Y. hehe.

it's like how sometimes you're just eating breakfast and reading the newspapers or brushing your teeth and then a eureka moment that bursts out like a spewing volcano. omigosh C.M.Y. i love you to bits.

just returned from a nice day with the awesome one. I did my nochlin summary in half an hour - wasn't my best cos i didn't do the counter-reading but should do. M.Y. picked me up and we went to school where i dropped off my library books and submitted my essay. The Chet Baker CD i got him was playing in the car; lunch was vietnamese beef noodles at holland village -we're looking foward to lots of it in australia, the real good authentic ones - and to town to laze. Long time in car today, long time of stealing glances and crappy car conversation. hey hey it's youuuuu and meeee always, and forever. australia should be romantic. a winter holiday is a sure setting for that kind of warm deep-spirited, cosy picture-perfect mode. oh yes! lots of pictures to take! "take a picture! take a picture!" as does audrey hepburn in funny face.it's such a fun show 'cept they gave fred a. too many dance sequences. it's the young girl-old man combination - they gave her audrey hepburn so many of that; reminds me of scarlett johannson. anyway i think i have to do an audrey hepburn marathon this holiday. wannna wanna.

got to make use of the weekend to finish up my assignments. must be pow-pow!

listening to quiet girl music hiding from the sun behind curtains while typing out my nochlin summary. and feeling rather summer-ish, rather mellow at the same time. after the past weeks, after the tensioned moment before crit and the flood of relief that came after, there's this sudden peaceful calm state of 'being'. a rather grateful happiness and satisfaction with life at just sitting here with my strawberry tea churning out some words after the stress-filled week. and later, a proper first post-crit date with M.Y. Choy.

He's now at the band competition with the band he coaches so i get more time to write my summary before we meet. maybe it's the after-kickboxing feel-good vibes that still reside in me from last night. i loved that we did so much cardio. am really going to make use of these few free weeks to sweat it out. all the running, swimming, blading, cycling (m.y. choy, our katong bike-binge remember ya) and maybe if the sailing gang goes sailing i might just attempt a go at it again. shall make it a point to do something active everyday. i know i have to do this cos it does wonders for me. it's my drug, the other of which is the beloved HE. wonderful guy who in the midst of his busy working schedule zipped all over town to get my basswood for me, and be my elf on sunday night.

it's like how while doing all that last week i keep thinking about my valuation in this craft; i always feel my personality judged by the product though i know it shouldn't be so. i'm not competent yet and have to work towards getting to that level. thus the after-crit and this semester with all its good studio factors rolled in, has done much for me. hooray for good tutors and bleh for the mean ones.

it's quite amusing how so many people remark that i remind them of krisen kreuk in looks and mannerisms. before smallville i guess i was 'uncatogarisable' in reference to somebody famous. haha but it is quite a compliment for she is quite a babe.

M.Y. dearest, i cannot cannot wait for australia!!!

and i am so not satisfied. i never get to the stage i want to. immense thanks to those who helped out in big and small ways, really couldn't have imagined the devastating consequences should i have not had the extra help. i still want to do basswood. lovely the man - he went all the way basswood-hunting and bending over cutting bristol board squares for me. thanks hui for the strips you cut.

decency. my eyes are falling out of my head - dire lack of sleep tranlates to a very 'seh' woman. power nap then power run.

itching very much to make a beautiful basswood model. char's white and lime green model's so pretty.

perhaps now my friends. here's to the beautiful days ahead of actual realisations of movie marathons, running sessions, and for this week, reading my nochlin readings [ why are there no great women artists] and other likes, brain food. and a very nervous wednesday to come. i mean i do love design but i dread deadlines - they make my skin curl and my head go absolutely topsy-turvy. shudders.

i thought i could catch 'stage beauty' after submissions but they've ended the run. i hate channel five for stopping 'gilmore girls'. it's kinda nice they are bringing in 'smallville' and 'the oc', but it doesn't make up for 'gilmore girls'.

You Belong in Rome You're a big city girl with a small town heart Which is why you're attracted to the romance of Rome Strolling down picture perfect streets, cappuccino in hand And gorgeous Italian men - could life get any better? What City Do You Belong in? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

time of rebirth.

i went for a run.
i should be able to conquer
this mammoth mountain.

NO TIME NO TIME NO TIME!!!!! ACK!

at this time i'd love to be mugging for a million literature texts for a million literature exams than doing this. i'd like to be on the hindsight end now.

and my ash 1977 cd is spoilt! ACK!

in sydney, choy dear, your childhood chocolate place.

Swiss bliss has hit the streets of Sydney with the opening of the world-first Lindt Concept Store & Café. Entering the space at Martin Place – all marble and polished copper courtesy of Melbourne design company, SJB Interiors – is akin to discovering the modern version of Willy Wonka's factory.

Behind glass are handmade pralines and truffles, stunning cakes decorated with gold leaf and another first-ever, Lindt ice-cream. All of the products – apart from the stock-standard Lindt bars and Lindor balls – are exclusive to the store.

If you've got time to linger, take a proper hot chocolate at the bar and peruse the small savoury menu of omelettes, bircher muesli and toast for breakfast and sandwiches, tarts and salads at lunch. Leave some room though, because you can't miss the waffle with white chocolate ice-cream and chocolate sauce. It's definitely what sweet dreams are made of.

six more days. please finish your plans by six eh-am. focus on the important bits. must must must rush. exercising during production time helps beat the potential-submission-depression bug. shall do another 4km run in the evening. i need more time! cool night is a blessing; yellow butter paper sketch arise, and manifest on the dreaded cadding screen.

swell run. 4km in the semi-darkness; cool breeze was a treat. running to lush 99.5fm is really a different experience altogther. was rather a grump in the noon [ must have been the sugary doughnut and the careless hershey nuggets - ack for brainkilling fodder- i shall be a health freak this week to assist my need for control] but a run makes everything better. a very good prelude to a long night ahead. on the double now.

i feel like running forever and ever. ha bren after my submission i'll run to your house from my house and we can run to bishan park together.

Puedo Escribir

El viento de la noche gira en el cielo y canta
El viento de la noche gira en el cielo
(The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
The night wind revolves in the sky.)

Oir la noche inmensa, mas inmensa sin ella.
Y el verso cae al alma como al pasto el rocio
(To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.)

Tonight I can write the saddest lines,
The saddest lines about her.

Sixpence none the richer is one of my favourite. to put one of pablo neruda's wonderful poems into a song - amazing. i adore Leigh Nash's raspy vocals. and their song lyrics are so so so poetic.

...montreal......the cold, the snow.... so i'm looking foward to australia. argh.....too slow with my work! slept too much. didn't wake up to go church now i feel icky. it's too hot now. should rain a bit to make doing work pleasanter. i prefer shadow and abit of cold; i need night to come.

i went for a quick run just now. 4km thereabout. everytime i go running i pass by the prettiest white vespa parked in the void deck of the next block. it's kept in pristine condition by it's owner, with maroon or red seats i think; the silver bits are always shiny and it's always spotlessly, glimmering white. it looks like it should be kept in a glass case. it's so so pretty!

from the beloved: may your designs be as fantastic as your mind

awww.

what does listening to the gattaca soundtrack do to you? especially the track 'the morrow' and 'the other side'? it peels you, strips you layer by layer. something grinds into your heart and you see nothing. it's really, a concentrated peeling feeling. ouch.

what is this finicky finicky thing in me? how can one not live and feel intensely and be so aware of this intensity of living that it cuts into you. it's in the sudden nuances when your mind sails on a higher plane for a second or two and you spend the rest of the minute trying to get back to that plane - that is when you try to grasp that intensity, like a flavour, like a prick. how we are made like this, it is a miracle indeed. thou shalt not judge, for you will never know others fully. you will never be able to get on their higher planes thus you will always remain on the outside. there are some people who charm you, who are so amazing and you want to steal bits of them, not for yourself, but because you want to get on their higher plane for a second or two. it is the joy of being human, the human narrative that i am always trying to grasp for pure pleasure of knowing and feeling. it is quite a jolt, quite a magnifique moment, these sudden pricks.

Christmas is too far away. i'm listening to ally mcbeal's christmas albums, for the dreamy feeling i get at Christmas. i'm getting one of those moments. vigour and rigour, i must drench myself with.

i wonder who reads my blog. i hope natalie portman reads my blog. hello to you natalie.

tickets to aussie has been confirmed by the dear trumpet-player. i can't wait to craft this trip. now for serious nonstop vigour, rigour. music for the day ranges from The Shins (for the peppy mood, a gilmore girls kinda feeling ), The Thrills (for the roadtrip mood, and abit of the artist in me, a bohemian vibe of sorts albeit a warped version ), The Flaming Lips (for the quirky crazed mood), Mazzy Star (for the contemplative mood of the interior world) and Tchaikovsky, Puccini (oh Madama Butterfly, sing me your tragic line) and Dvorak (for the classically romantic feel, and to steal a bit of the epic, classic mood of genius). i love that only my ma and me are alone in the house these days - reminds me of the times we'd sit on the balcony at greenmeadows, close the window to the room behind us and sit and talk under the moon, stars and darkness. five years old and talking about everything in a very adult, loving way. i feel very close to my mother this way.