beginning and end


this chinese new year was bittersweet. ironically it was one of the saddest and happiest new years in my life. on the first day we went to our grandmother's as usual. my grandfather was in hospital and had been in and out for some time. i should have gone in earlier to the house then i might have gone with my grandmother for a short visit to the hospital nearby. egos and what-ifs.

on the second day of the new year we went to my grandmother's house again, this time for a funeral. my grandfather had passed away near midnight the day before. my grandmother was tired with grief but she is a strong women. she didn't go to the crematorium on sunday. at the wake she kept asking if we had eaten, and she kept awake late to talk to guests.

throughout the three days at the wake, i met relatives and elderly friends of my parents/grandparents i never knew about. i heard about family histories. i spoke longer to cousins i normally wouldn't have. my heart was more forgiving towards some relatives I had condemned as mean. i met relatives i would have missed at this new year, and the last. the funeral was simple. there was no complicated mourning rituals or bad blood that tends to surface at such times. the mood was bittersweet - a non-verbal understanding that my grandfather was old and ill and perhaps it was good that he had to go, but at the same time, worry and sadness for my grandmother - her only concern the last few years was to look after him. she didn't want to leave the house because of that, not even for our weddings, because he couldn't leave the house. gradually over the years he stopped recognising us - sometimes when we mentioned our names, it seemed as if he knew; he couldn't see clearly anymore.

funerals are neutralisers cos the feelings are more genuine, sometimes, then new year meetings.


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