Threading Lightly/ shedding the weight

yet again on another cusp. looking downward from the steep cliffs and wondering if i should plunge. if i look upward and my heart will be free then it can be a flight. never one should i allow myself to think it might be a plunge to the depths because the will can conquer. i have to think hard, yet not think too hard. there is beauty here but there could be beauty there. equalizing is hard to do.

it feels like a heartbreak. the heartbreaking part - that is the hardest. would it have turned out better? but i know, it must be a cleanse. clean break. i would love to be on the hindsight now. but we must go through the pains and the decision making and the relying.

what do i want? to be always surrounded by love - that i have - to always give love the best i can - sometimes i get in the way of myself/ maybe sometimes it is not me. i must not always blame myself + to feel the freedom and lightness of happiness. suddenly i understand, maybe, so many years after picking up mila kundera's the unbearable lightness of being and thinking it was fluff. + to soak in the beauty of life and all in it that is God-given + to be generous and compassionate...if i can be all of this then i can be myself. perhaps it is a sign. the hardened ghost that has been drifting is something to bury. phoenix-like/ God's grace - forgiveness over.

i must remember that all is not over here. because i have the influence of the great here, soaked in my inner being. because i must have the confidence to create and to trust in my own instinct. because life, it is short, and on hindsight, i have other dreams too. because i must not do this as a test, a proof to my own capabilities. because i have left my mark a little and seen wonders being done, felt honesty exude in proportions, testing, materiality, pen and paper, learned a million things that is part and parcel of the experience.

the concrete. the brass. the erueka moments. the giving and taking. at the end of it all where will i stand?