bullet train heart

it's amazing how much a human being can process at once. or feel. right now i'm feeling a myriad of feelings including sadness, elation, excitment, fear, jealousy and peacefulness and they all activate like a slot machine on the roll within milliseconds of each other.

national museum trip tomorrow morning - and okay i think the five dollar entry to the main exhibits is reasonable - school things in the afternoon - i need to run on overdrive - and giving english tuition at night - remedial work on reported speech and vocabulary exercises on phrasal verbs.

i bought new ear phones to keep unwanted sound out because the original ipod ones are not good for that. they are only good for letting people know you have an ipod but i don't like hearing hardly anything on the train just because i'm too polite to leak my music out to other people who might not want to hear my (not bad though, i think) music.

tonight was fun that felt frat-like because it was boys and girls we met in college. we celebrated shaun's birthday at a chinese restaurant in obsolete bukit timah with some red wine as well as a polite slice of etoile chocolate cake each, brought over by a sullen-faced matter-of-fact waitress, and later we huddled in five cars, a boy and a girl in each, with some crying weather outside, to guthrie house for late-night last minute gelato and i chose simple undistracting vanilla and my choy had rum and raisin that somehow felt celebratory.

and i love you so much i don't know why i just feel like crying right now; your love is overwhelming for me and maybe it's the weird sequential combination of tea wine and ice cream and having you by my side while downing all that. it's a richness that surges right into me and i can't contain so i think they need to come out in tears.

this chemical reaction in the body and heart is rather dramatic i know but it's a good pre-run feeling so i really hope it doesn't rain tomorrow because i need to run all the superfluous sadness away.

reading on trains

"Beauty is not for him something one must earn laboriously; for if one did, one would always be afraid of losing it. And a fear - no matter which - would dishonour him." -p. 35

"I often find myself wanting to say to someone (i know not whom): "Don't be sad." And it seems to me as though this were an intimate confession...we all have something like a fear in us...after the new fear comes a new bliss...you must have your longing over you, in whatever place you are...if you still have a trembling in you or a doubt, cast it behind you. and even if it grows up behind you on your path: then mountains will stand between you and the past." - p. 38

"Be for a single day unfashionable, and you will see how much eternity you have within you. Those who feel eternity are above all fear. They see in every night the place where daybreak will occur, and are assured."- p. 42

Rainer Maria Rilke - Diaries of a Young Poet