i need to do something really explosive. the feeling of bursting out of your limbs, a metaphysical extension of yourself into the trees and the sky and the water, anything beyond. to prepare myself to be more than myself. antigone's more heroic but i've always, admittingly, been more of an ismene. so, less ismene, more antigone. prep myself up to fight myself. can't do it on my own, could never. it can be so easy. death motivates me sometimes. i'd think, when i think that i have only one life to live, there's nothing to be afraid of. only when i think of consequence do i hesitate and hide. and yet ironically, admittingly, i'm afraid of death. maybe it's because the way heaven is portrayed is too archaic for me to relate to. so i'd rather not picture heaven and just be assured that it's more beautiful than earth, in an abstract way.

so.

i'm going to have to will myself to wake up early tomorrow and do a really mean run and/or swim. i really have to do this.

somehow when i get almost overrun by the dramatics of struggles i sort of weave myself into, mingyao's love is a constant pillar of support. he's so high above me in so many ways and he makes me stronger than i could ever think of myself. and sometimes i find myself crying cos i can't contain in my heart the knowledge that he thinks i'm the world to him. i think that's so beautiful. whenever he talks to me or looks at me i feel like i know who i am. i think that's what it is when they say the person is right for you. he doesn't erase any part of who i am but my own person is coaxed out and he futher adds to that part of myself with wilder and happier things. it's like he grounds me and calms me yet he makes me wanna do more and do better.

and i think he's smiling while reading this. :) yay!