after a day of you

you make me smile in my heart and my jaw aches because i smile and laugh too much whenever i am with you - you are like a moving photograph and i stare and stare with awe and when you take my hand and squeeze it i remember i am yours. you're very cool leh.

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we had dim sum at red star restaurant at chin swee road, mingyao and his buddies. there was good food and banter (i don't like the word...) that is all. but it was good fun.

saturday night and there is sad music on. you know the film sabrina, starring harrison ford, not the audrey hepburn one. ah. the former, it's very sad. the soundtrack makes you cry and bleed. alot of things can make you cry and bleed. ah.

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"on these days of creativity i can feel it already; how the husks slide off the things and how everything becomes trusting and forgets all manner of disguise. moments of creativity are like twilights after heavy summer days. all things are like young girls, white and gentle and of a smiling sadness...

these are moments only, but in these moments i look deep into the earth. and see the causes of all things like the roots of broad rustling trees. and see how they all reach to one another and hold one another like brothers. and they all drink from one source.

and these are moments only, but at these moments i see high into the sky. and see the stars like quiet, smiling blossoms of these rustling trees. and they sway and wave to one another and know that one depth gives them fragrance and sweetness.

and these are moments only, but at these moments i look far across the earth. and i see that people are strong and solitary tree trunks that lead broad bridges from the roots to the blossoms and calmly and serenely lift the juices into the sun.

...joy makes one creative. the two of us shall find through the paradise of having regained each other the surest way into this summer, which no chance occurence can take from us. to me at least it is like a posession granted by a high power, since i have held it for so long already in day and dream as my heart's innermost hope."

rainer maria rilke, from the florence diaries.

i pray and cross my fingers. given a second chance i will do my very best. my fears will not snatch this from me. turn it around and make myself like what i grew distant towards. it is only a game! maybe, in the cheek of love me if you dare, this one is to myself: dare.