i need to do something really explosive. the feeling of bursting out of your limbs, a metaphysical extension of yourself into the trees and the sky and the water, anything beyond. to prepare myself to be more than myself. antigone's more heroic but i've always, admittingly, been more of an ismene. so, less ismene, more antigone. prep myself up to fight myself. can't do it on my own, could never. it can be so easy. death motivates me sometimes. i'd think, when i think that i have only one life to live, there's nothing to be afraid of. only when i think of consequence do i hesitate and hide. and yet ironically, admittingly, i'm afraid of death. maybe it's because the way heaven is portrayed is too archaic for me to relate to. so i'd rather not picture heaven and just be assured that it's more beautiful than earth, in an abstract way.

so.

i'm going to have to will myself to wake up early tomorrow and do a really mean run and/or swim. i really have to do this.

somehow when i get almost overrun by the dramatics of struggles i sort of weave myself into, mingyao's love is a constant pillar of support. he's so high above me in so many ways and he makes me stronger than i could ever think of myself. and sometimes i find myself crying cos i can't contain in my heart the knowledge that he thinks i'm the world to him. i think that's so beautiful. whenever he talks to me or looks at me i feel like i know who i am. i think that's what it is when they say the person is right for you. he doesn't erase any part of who i am but my own person is coaxed out and he futher adds to that part of myself with wilder and happier things. it's like he grounds me and calms me yet he makes me wanna do more and do better.

and i think he's smiling while reading this. :) yay!

hail the return!




i so hated chris in that last episode. if you know what i mean.

i need a metamorphosis right this instant! suppose to be a strong person.

going to run.

aftermath: psyche yourself up!

douglas coupland's microserfs has some good love lines.

"Karla and I fell in love out there - I think that's the way it happens - out there. The two of you start talking about your feelings and your feelings float outside of you like vapors, and they mix together like a fog. Before you realize it, the two of you have become the same mist and you realize you can never return to being just a lone cloud again, because the isolation would be intolerable.

Karla and I would talk about computing and coding. Our minds met out in the crystal lattice galazy of ideas and codes and when we came out of our reverie, we realized we were in a special place - out there".

back in junior college mingyao came up to me one day and handed me a mechanical pencil. he was very excited about it because it was the only one of its kind. if you click on the top the whole nib retracts into the pencil. he had gotten me one in dark blue. what a cute gift. i'm always amused at how simple things with interesting details grab his attention. anyway mine had spoit after so many years. that day i got another one from kinokuniya with my voucher. i got the silver one.

on sunday we met his friends to watch magdalene's dance concert at the UCC. It was such energetic entertainment. They did not just feature ballet-type dances (to corrine bailey-rae; a love-fall-out-life-is-ok kind of sequence through three of her songs) but all sorts - modern interpretations and beyonce r&b mtv types complete with black hot pants and leather boots. the play of lights was rivetting. i say, it was a good variety of dances and the energy was high throughout the whole concert. there wasn't a dull moment, okay, maybe one. there was this dance in the middle which attempted to translate the human process of birth to death in movement; that one i felt was too predictable. other than that, i won't mind watching it all over again;

submission is over but i wanted to hide away. i did not like my work.

mingyao, my cheer-upper, met me at the airport and dined with me. his company was delish. the airport is great like he said, because it is so big we can walk alot and not get bored with things to see. we looked down at the people in transit and made up stories about them. i laughed so much. on monday he picked me up for lunch from school. we went to holland village and ate at the hawker centre and IMF people came about and stared open-mouthed at stalls of local food. i saw one of them drink teh-si. we had nasi lemak and shared a bowl of laksa. we couldn't finish the laksa. then we had dessert. then mingyao came to the yah room for a while and tried to beat my record for handphone tetris;

i met ying last night at serangoon gardens. we had stingray, mutton soup, sugar cane juice and hokkien mee at chomp chomp. we bumped into neng and her boyfriend and we hung out at coffee bean and tea leaf. it was nice outdoors. we laughed so much. we couldn't finish our chocolate mudpie. we had malibu dreams - sharon you'd hate this - strawberry and banana shake. ying has a nice chic half-neck bob;

OH ACADEMIA NORMALLY I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU. BUT NOW AT THIS POINT OF TIME I KINDA HATE YOU AND THAT THING YOU CALL A DEADLINE.

deserved freedom could be near. how much do you really want it? maybe God shook His head and said not again and decided i had to learn not to rely on myself but on Him instead. make the after, good.

"Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men; knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve." - Colossians 3 verse 23-24

"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake." - Psalms 23 verses 1 - 3

i have a strong strong urge
to read anybody a poem out loud
now.

in school we studied poetry quietly.
it was not meant to be like that.
i though poetry was aurul.

after this academic pause,
i will read you a poem if you ask me to.
read me one too.

by the way, this is not a poem. one fifty three a am.

could you see the love in my eyes just now? - him



source

up the pace and rigour

ninety minute date. teh ping and you.

i need my linguistic blessings; and the light by morning.

hi lovelies.

i need spiritual and virtual encouragemnt.

:(