this education equates to having apt mentors to push you in the right direction to gain and renew that rigor that i need every single week, to speak about the things that will push me to gain that apt maturity and alot of discipline, coupled with unbridled freedom to create and see things in all types of perspective. creativity is not without discipline. discipline is crucial, so is being smart and not grinding into your head deeper and deeper into despair from fear and cowardice. it is about being bold enough to let the world see through you, tear you down, judge you in all aspects, and still above it all, to mantain optimism and excitment as of a child. it is above more important to be influenced by people optimistic about people and not let the pessimists tear you down; i think i am always worried about the wrong things. i fear to draw cos i fear to commit cos i fear that it is 'not right'. let me thus get back my day-and-night-lego-passion in architecture. nothing can tear me down. let me enjoy playing my lego without fear. i always wanted my lego men to have fun in my lego houses, so let me embrace an unrestrained manifesto of love! of passion! of freedom!

heart swells with pleasure. they do! they do play hope sandoval (and the warm inventions)! heart skips a beat and another.

in quebec city. impressions of citadel wall looming, snow, ice and a certain european flavour

toronto.art museum. that's a great way to cover up bare concrete walls. let nature rule.

toronto. art museum. always turn back, and see things from a different perspective. you get magic sometimes.

sfu. vancouver. winter campus. those mountains! those trees! that cloud! that sky! magnificence personified a thousand times.

http://www.cnn.com/2004/WORLD/asiapcf/10/28/thailand.violence/index.html

stop right now. no more violence henceforth.

jingmei battles the cad robots pt.1: it is indeed. ah hem. a fidzwinklegabozo
mingyao: yes, i concur
jingmei battles the cad robots pt.1: totally osmirinklederriful
jingmei battles the cad robots pt.1: i can't contain my genisticalronsgield
mingyao: ok, this one i dont' understand
mingyao: I’m so erdsmi
mingyao: are you?
jingmei battles the cad robots pt.1: yours
jingmei battles the cad robots pt.1: is hard to pronounce
jingmei battles the cad robots pt.1: but I understand
mingyao: no it’s not
mingyao: wahaha

last night, did you smell it? the smell of earth and grass that came with that type of rain. it's now raining at sunset, yet another good feeling.

must be a robot these days. emotionless with regards to doing and doing with regards to system and consistency.

humility does not equal lack of confidence
confidence comes from knowledge and skill and awareness
knowledge skill and awareness comes from consistency and hard work
consistency and hard work come from determination and peserverance

both of which comes from a strong source of will

of which is God.

and i reach for my oswald chambers:

"Sinful men and women can be changed into new creatures, not by their repentance or their belief, but by the marvelous work of God in Christ Jesus which is prior to all experience. The impregnable safety of justification and sanctification is God Himself. We have not to work these things ourselves; they have been worked out by the Atonement. The supernatural becomes natural by the miracle of GOd; there is ther ealisation of what Jesus Christ has already done - it is finished."

therefore mei, ride on this and not self loathing and pity and comparison, which is all human, probably normal, but destructive.

went home last night. i love my family so much, they're in my bones. you realise, we are really, all of the same flesh and the same blood. even more metaphysically than physical, that is why i am awed and feel blessed.

at n. falls. sunsetting at four-ish. birds clouding sky. skeleton trees.

laurier station at the metro. me and wynnie had to rush through the turnstiles with one ticket cos mine became faulty after the first train trip and the train officer refused to give me another package ticket. so every time i used the metro i had to run behind wynnie. haha. i remember walking through the snow field with anne after the traditional quebecan music pub and trying to write our names in the snow. snow is cool. montreal is cool.

i think it was around this time last year when, standing in the mrt train on a normal mundane day home from work, i smsed wyn about going to canada in december and she went okay and off we flew. i recall the scary hostel we stayed at near st. laurent station. walking to and from the station to the hostel trying not to slip on the snowtunedice snow and feeling oh so cold. i really wonder what montreal looks like in the spring, summer and season. for now, i only know canada is the one blanketed in white and layers of clothing and chilly and snowy. ain't it quaint now wyn just sms me 's for spadina'. where she wants to be now.!!!!. spadina for roast duck wyn? i'd love to go back to queenstreet to walk th rock and roll feelin streets. :)

gasp. they also play sondre lerche! i'm hooked. no need to buy cds anymore.

i went to clementi and ee jie treated me to two chicken wings. one bbq and one fried one each.

I pray for peace in southern thailand, esp. yala. it's such a peaceful town, i had great memories from there, violence spoils it all, as it does everything. if there were no violence i'd go there this year end, i do so want to visit my kind granduncle whom i have not seen since i was thirteen. aiyah, miss visiting them thai relatives. God please keep them totally safe and sound.

http://www.radio-indie-pop.com/radio.html

a little gilmore girly, sometimes a little more rock. summarised very nice. they play like the raveonettes, flaming lips, nada surf, radiohead, black box recorder ( like!), beulah, neutral milk hotel, mary lou lord, wilco, strokes, etc. best thing is i can actually fast foward when i dont like that particular song if it's too loud etc. ok so it's not a real radio station but ain't it great i'm my own dj sorta.

which radio station plays mazzy star? sigh.

http://www.myarchitectfilm.com/

my hero.

hope sandoval. the cover album of mazzy star's 'she hangs brightly' album at the exteme right. recognise that? it's victor horta's hotel tassel. so apt...it's not loungy it's not fairytale sweet. it's ophelia-esque with old sounds, detachment and tugging like an addiction.

now listening to random tracks. i love, december flowers and fade into you.

i have now switched to mazzy star mode. it is even more suited for the rain. this languid sound that makes you think you're in a bar/cafe that is a well kept secret and hope sandoval is singing care-lessly and yet emotion-filled into the mike, this dreamscape sound, this ennui and this cloud-earth feeling.

blurry arty farty collage(my version of. disclaimer). my ikea lamp radiates a dreamy yellow glow while it rattles rain outside.

it is just the right weather to play kings of convenience! strummy sounds with the natural pitterpatter and booming thunder in the distance trying to impress. this concoction of aural pleasure is indeed a treat. the trickling and the silence that fills all the im between space. i hope this wistful cloud will continue to trickle till morning and colours like in a movie will spill in through the lacy canopy outside.

so come on come on now put them markings to them crispy butter paper now. quickly now.

caramel apples. vancouver. we had the one coated with nuts i think. remember we were oohing and ahhing outside the shop window and then we had to go in and get one. 24th dec 2003.

inside the biodome, montreal. universal design. phones for all people, short or tall. dec. 2003

outside the montreal biodome. dec 2003. wyn we should have made snow angels.

i love that i have met some witty and eloquent people in aki in the past year. there have been few who tingle my brain and heart so naturally and seductively and inspire you in a very intense way, even with mundane things. there are few like these.

bren i miss our late night stroll talking sessions at your estate playground. and i miss living near you too. you were the closest i could ever get to my childhood anne of green gables dream of having a neighbour kind of best friend. i think four years was not enough. it was a very good li-po-greenmeadows alliance.

i can't wait for after 8 nov. looking foward to an adrenaline binge.
kickboxing, swimming, running, cycling, blading, canoeing, sailing....

3am. all is dim.kings of convenience playing now. the atmosphere is scandanavia-esque. i think though olive and gold colours. how time seems to go by. i wish it would then i'd be in thailand having delicious beef noodles and tom yam soup and visiting my relatives again. it will be good. i like thailand. chatting online to my thai cousin dao has been quite fun and i am sure we will have good fun getting more acquainted in bangkok. i hope she will take us to some places the tourists don't get to go.

i'm not the most organised and meticulous person around, but i'd love to backpack a month or two to somewhere. maybe europe. maybe canada.

now i need money.

i wish i were there for THE WEATHER PROJECT by Olafur Eliasson. It must have been magic. I love the Tate Modern, despite what critics might say negatively of it, i was there experiencing it with an un architecturally trained mind and it was wonderful. i envied those art students lounging around the slopes of the turbine hall sketchin away furiously, the fact that they could go there everyday. I wish i could be there for this now.http://www.tate.org.uk/modern/exhibitions/nauman/about_unilever.shtm

suddenly a thought imposes upon me, that it must be such a great thing to be an architect. you have to be so acute in your understanding of how the weather and nature is to be experienced through your design thinking.

motivation.

i will leave my oswald chambers devotional at an obvious spot from now on. whenever my soul is weary or my mind is lazy and i want to run away from my work, i will get a quick refeshment from this book. it is so rich.

yesterday's devotion:

John 14:12And greater works than these shall he do; because I go to my Father

"Prayer does not fit us for the greater works, prayer is the greater works...prayer is the battle; it is a matter of indifference where you are. whichever way God enginners circumstances, the duty is to pray...Wherever God has dumped you down in circumstances pray, ejaculate to HIm all the time. "Whatsoever ye ask in My name, that will i do." We won't pray unless we get thrills, that is the intensest form of spiritual selfishness...

...There is nothing thrilling about a labouring man's work, but it is the labouring man who makes the conceptions of the genius possible; and it is the labouring saint who makes the conceptions of his Master possible..."

- Oswald Chambers

and i remember when i was younger and my spirit was more in tune with God's directions and the peace that was in me would shine on the outside, it was real inner peace from God. Nowadays it is a calm, like a blanket that is emotionless because on the inside i keep trying to run away.

Two things will keep me going. The first is devotion to Him, which translates to being accountable to God and not to man, nor to ego. I have not been seriously wearied by too much work, rather i have been ill disciplined and undeserving of saving. The second is prayer, faith that because God has willed me in this testing situation, He will carry me through. For often we pray for a stronger faith, and we read that there will be times of testing but when times come we turn our face and cower in a corner refusing to face tribulations with the Word and prayer.

This time there is no other way, and i have to remember then, to die to self, banish ego on the throne of my heart and let God reign again, for only He can help me overcome my own eniquities and lackerdasical attitudes that sink me further into the pits i hate.


A Prayer


My God (oh, let me call Thee mine,
Weak, wretched sinner though I be),
My trembling soul would fain be Thine;
My feeble faith still clings to Thee.

Not only for the Past I grieve,
The Future fills me with dismay;
Unless Thou hasten to relieve,
Thy suppliant is a castaway.

I cannot say my faith is strong,
I dare not hope my love is great;
But strength and love to Thee belong;
Oh, do not leave me desolate!

I know I owe my all to Thee;
Oh, TAKE the heart I cannot give!
Do Thou my strength--my Saviour be,
And MAKE me to Thy glory live.

-Anne Bronte

http://www.risd.edu/index.cfm

i want.

faye wong is the coolest. i watched 'chungking express' in the school library today and today the theme song swirling in my head is california dreamin by the mamas and the papas and faye's voice singing that other song...

this weekend will be good.
i will be watching akira (by Katsuhiro Otomo) and safe (by todd haynes) and chungking express (by wong kar wai) for urban module. it will be a theory thurs night and fri. and i will have to read aldo rossi's architecture of the city and reread robert venturi and denise scott brown's learning from las vegas for my tutorial presentation. and also i will go to the library and do all my research for my urban module essay outline which means i've got to source for eric khoo's 12 stories. i'll aim to finish my outline by monday and hand it to erik so that i don't have to think about it anymore and just concentrate on my design work.

ever since erik said that i write well i've been reading my half page essay brief over and over again. heh.

and i will go for a long long run tomorrow and a long long swim on friday morning. recharge my mental and physical faculties. argh, had to miss kickboxing today. i've come to lookforward to the workout. it's been good. second sis and i think we'll take another course when it's over.

my heart is falling out of my body. i'm petrified by submissions.


LORELAI: Mom said the summer clothing lines are out. Want to go shopping? We haven't done that in ages.

RORY: But we're both totally skint.

LORELAI: Huh? We're what?

RORY: We're skint -- broke. It's British.

LORELAI: Oh man, you've learned to speak British. I didn't even know about it.

RORY: You know what I mean.

LORELAI: So we won't buy anything. We'll just window-shop.

RORY: That could be fun.

LORELAI: It'll be like we're in an old movie, y'know? Walking around, window-shopping like Roz Russell and Ava Gardner on Fifth Avenue.

RORY: I'm with you.

LORELAI: Meet me at the inn, 10:00?

RORY: But it's been so long. How will we recognize each other?

LORELAI: We'll wear a rose in our lapels.

RORY: Or dangling from my nose ring.

LORELAI: You're kidding about that, right?

RORY: I'm leaving you in suspense.

LORELAI: Tomorrow at 10:00, Roz darling?

RORY: Till tomorrow, Ava dearest.

http://www.alliancefrancaise.org.sg/frenchfilmfestival/

maggie cheung, i'm coming to watch you!

stressed!

wants to work in a bookshop.
wants to work in a cafe.

shadows lines and funny twists >> i want to climb
on the roof opposite and swing from branch to branch
like a wu-xia pian!

Having a tutor whom you admire say 'you write well' upon discussion of your essay brief, is a very delightful thing indeed.

i think that reading some blogs are like, reading a wonderful novel or an autobiography of someone you really find magical. some friends you see them but you'll never really know them. it's all in the words they churn out, especially those who are steep in honesty of the heart and are introspective and writes about reality in a fairy tale way. there's much passion and life to be sucked from this reading. especially with diana krall singing 'why should i care' in a wispy disappointed manner, i think i'm stuck again in that sappy wonder night mode.

so anyway that leads me to think, i should prioritise. know the few things that i should invest time and effort in and really do them well instead of being a complainer. also, i think, i should genuinely seek knowledge. many a time it's skimming the surface. i think i'm not deep enough. being deep is a very good state to be in really.

this is emergency time. two and a half days to crit and my design should have been seventy five percent completed, according to richard. i think i've not been bold enough, with materials, with doing brave things and then being hardworking enough to make them into architecture. i always falter at the translation. these days, it's got to be the most intense, i've got to do it.

also, i really love urban module. i've not been a good student at all and i know why and it's not a really good thing. ranted to mother and sis over lunch on sunday and ma kept reminding me about praying and dedicating my work to God before i start, and i was irritable so i didnt' respond really well, but i guess i know i've got to rely on God to get me through this semester. I've made it thus far there should be no room for faltering. thus banish fear, banish ill discipline and get down to being intense. like doing work intense.

a very apt and timely sms from mom just as i type this : "Hi Mei, how are you today and how is Mingyao? Psalm 18:28 You o Lord keep my lamp burning. My God turns my darkness into light. With your help I can advace against a troop. With my God I can scale a wall...take care...mum.

love you mum.

do you remember christopher reeves as superman? were you in primary school when he was superman? i remember sprawling in a funny weird position on the gray sofa watching superman on tv over and over. there was supergirl too. i think what you see in childhood is what becomes the original in your mind. christopher reeves will always be the original superman though the other supermans cast on tv have been not bad. anyway, Christopher Reeves has passed away. come to think of it i wasn't an original superman comic fan, my romanticised version of superman had been through the tv. but it was part of my 80s childhood, which was a happy time.

i had a very good childhood. i walked in drains and played on swings in playgrounds with actual sand. nowadays it's all the safe rubber mat. where do the children bury their dead pet turtles when they die, wrapped in tissue paper and buried with a red plastic toy shovel at the corner of the playground on a typical weekday afternoon at 6pm when we would go to the playground always. all the kids would gather there. now i pass by the place and there is an additional new plastic playground built next to the old one with real wooden plank swings with chains, wooden plank simple see saws and sand. so simple and we played so much make-belief. i hope the children play at the old sand pit playground more than the rubber one. there's no texture with rubber playground. it's too sterile. we need wood, concrete, stone, sand, metal, grass. i shall visit there when the holiday come.

another theme for movie marathon >> the original superman series, from one to four.

i really must read and watch gone with the wind when i am free. it's quite fun. scarlett going 'rhett, oh rhett' in that glamorous style.

gilmore girls is on.
that saves the day.
i'm sorry i was irritable.
i really am.

i've very happy to be in stars hollow for an hour. i bet rory inspired many girls to want to go to yale.like a brand thing.i would be if i were 18 and real smart and had money.i'd go to yale and be indulgent and do like medieval literature with psychology or something lke that, or maybe latin language with art history.

cool.

why do some people want to call themselves followers of one religion but refuse to believe some facts of what that religion believe in and then twist it and make fun of that religion because it doesn't preach certain things they want it to? it's quite stupid i think. then they twist it to make it their own brand of new age-y religion and make fun of the orthodox.

also another irritating thing, i think it's ridiculous when people declare themselves 'bitches' and like, are so proud to be so-called rebelious and 'bitchy'. number one >> it is not at all a glam thing to be a true bitch so called, if there is such a thing. number two >> these people are too hard up on trying to label themselves because they are not confident of who they are and have to scream it to the world. they are trying too hard not not to appear boring.

and well it is a hot afternoon. i had lunch with my sister and my mother and i was rather irritable and that made me more irritable cos i dont' like to be irritable with people when i am irritable cos that makes me regret being irritable and i feel like i'm mean. ok i'm irritable so i'm giving myself the license to be petty. i hate it when people don't spell properly and spell 'cutely' when they can spell properly.

so again, i give myself a while in my cool room to zap and neutralise myself, repent and be humble meek and surrender all.

so that i can be filled with resolve and be a sincere good student and climb up from the very irritable valley of lackerdaisical unresolve which is truly a shameful thing.

there is beautiful music playing in the backgrond.

i love my family.

i love mingyao.

i am wonderwoman.

therefore, i can get through this semester.

therefore, i can get over the weariness that drags me down.

therefore, i can become a better person.

therefore, i will ignore the throbbing and knots in my head.

therefore, i will be disciplined, focus, and in love with what i do.

let me float in the clouds for a while, become zapped and neutralised before i get invigorated for purposeful work.

hello MY CHOY. i miss you so badly i think i could cry.

love, mei.

hello trumpeter!

i really really really really love you so.

- the suburbanite

Don't Go Far Off

Don't go far off, not even for a day, because --
because -- I don't know how to say it: a day is long
and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station
when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep.

Don't leave me, even for an hour, because
then the little drops of anguish will all run together,
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift
into me, choking my lost heart.

Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach;
may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.
Don't leave me for a second, my dearest,

because in that moment you'll have gone so far
I'll wander mazily over all the earth, asking,
Will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying?

-- Pablo Neruda

Love Sonnet XVII

I do not love you as if you were a salt rose, or topaz
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
So I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

-- Pablo Neruda

the love struck suburbanist quotes this second poem to the boyish trumpeter.

one day on icq my friend sent me a poem asking me my view on it. it was written by pablo neruda. it was the first time i read his poem. i went to get a book from the library, a book of poems written by him. it was magic. really, quite pure, quite dashing, and quite beautiful. they flow gently, ebb and tide, pulling at the heart, at the mind. i was hooked from then. so that's why some day i will be fluent in spanish so i can read neruda in a purer way. same reason why i want to be able to be fluent in french one day, so i can get closer to rimbaud. so one day when i have time and money like a tai tai i will want to study french literature, also i want to study latin, and also i want to study italian. i think, i want to be a linguist...i remember sitting in the mrt train wrapped in the loud clanging of the train reading a book of neruda's poems and looking up once in a while at the strangers around me and being tempted to go up to them and read them a poem, a poem that poked me strongly. it was very surreal. it was so overwhelming i nearly just cried sitting in my corner reading my book of poetry. to be touched so hard by words alone, perhaps, i am truly blessed. if i had studied literature, wow that would have been utter indulgence, i think i would weep with joy everyday.

Il Postino
(The Postman)

another film to add to the list to watch.

kickboxing was great. i'm quite addicted. i so love doing the punching.

Walt Whitman

Miracles

Why! who makes much of a miracle?
As to me, I know of nothing else but miracles,
Whether I walk the streets of Manhattan,
Or dart my sight over the roofs of houses toward the sky,
Or wade with naked feet along the beach, just in the edge of the
water,
Or stand under trees in the woods,
Or talk by day with any one I love--or sleep in the bed at night with
any one I love,
Or sit at table at dinner with my mother,
Or look at strangers opposite me riding in the car,
Or watch honey-bees busy around the hive, of a summer forenoon,
Or animals feeding in the fields,
Or birds--or the wonderfulness of insects in the air,
Or the wonderfulness of the sun-down--or of stars shining so quiet
and bright,
Or the exquisite, delicate, thin curve of the new moon in spring;
Or whether I go among those I like best, and that like me best--
mechanics, boatmen, farmers,
Or among the savans--or to the soiree--or to the opera,
Or stand a long while looking at the movements of machinery,
Or behold children at their sports,
Or the admirable sight of the perfect old man, or the perfect old
woman,
Or the sick in hospitals, or the dead carried to burial,
Or my own eyes and figure in the glass;
These, with the rest, one and all, are to me miracles,
The whole referring--yet each distinct, and in its place.

To me, every hour of the light and dark is a miracle,
Every cubic inch of space is a miracle,
Every square yard of the surface of the earth is spread with the
same,
Every foot of the interior swarms with the same;
Every spear of grass--the frames, limbs, organs, of men and women,
and all that concerns them,
All these to me are unspeakably perfect miracles.

To me the sea is a continual miracle;
The fishes that swim--the rocks--the motion of the waves--the ships,
with men in them,
What stranger miracles are there?

2046 * the city*

too many movies to watch, no time at all.

movies i missed recently:

dogville
the stepford wives
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
coffee and cigarettes

movies currently on screen which i prob will have to miss or sneak in time to watch:

vanity fair
skycaptain and the world of tomorrow
the motorcycle diaries
wimbledon
saved
2046


movies that didn't come to singapore which should:

garden state
before sunset

be sure i will have several movie marathons after school ends. i will just soak myself in the imaginary world and let my soul go places.

i shall have wong kar wai night >>in the mood for love, chungking express, happy together, fallen angels; nicole kidman night >> dogville, the stepford wives, the hunan stain, the hours; bittersweet love night >> garden state, before sunset, eternal sunshine; the godfather night >> the trilogy; and some more, much more. i will live breathe films come november and december. i trust that by new year's day i will be a new person. ooh la la. this is something to work towards.

in fact, i might even attempt a little film of my own with the handy sony camcorder at home....

homesick.

i love you pa, ma, ee jie, xiu jie, baby sister and baby brother.

i want to star in a bitter sweet mtv.
i want to work in a book shop with wooden walls of books up to the ceiling and climb the ladder to reach books up there.
i want to open a coffee and cake shop and smile at people and make their day.
i want to stand on the streets and hand fresh flowers to passerbys on a dreary monday morning to stone faced people and pleasantville their lives like an mtv.
i want to hug everybody in the world who needs a hug.
i want everybody to feel loved.


listening to Sondre Lerche's "You Know So Well". check out the mtv at sputnik7.com.

i think, that no matter how hard one tries to justify, things do not appear so, some consequences are ugly for everyone. the christian singer sun might have done many things to pursue her love of music. but that has inevitably put christianity in a worse light, then to draw people, in my opinion. now everyone thinks bad and sarcastically so, of christian singers, church and the relationship between those two items and the public. it really is an ugly stain. there is a certain way the human mind thinks in general and no matter how hard one tries to justify for low clevage and tight t shirts, really, come on.

and, it's sad how christianity is so twisted these days or emphasis placed on wrong things. like how church is not important for christianity, or 'i have my own private christianity, i dont need church or i belive the bible is not true' that is new ageism not christianity, or how everyone thinks it's ok when some brands mock jesus or claiming the bible says gay is ok, or worse still, thinking that it's not important what the bible says and creating your own brand of so called christianity that will only mislead more people.

if it's all about relativity, about being subjective, about what i feel is right, not the bible, then, why call it Christianity? it's just selecting a potpourri of lifestyle for oneself, i think. i'm not being judgmental or saying i'm better than others, it's really, just what i feel, in the still of the night.

sorry about that post. i was down in the dumps so i forced myself to go swimming and met a friend to talk about my project. it's ok now i dont' feel like quitting school. i need to be level headed that's all. and less emotional. less escapist. live life prioritised, including knowing what to do, if not, seek advice and go do some sports for induced calm, and induced adrenalin, and not lie on my bed staring at the ceiling the whole afternoon.

the downs are so down, the ups are so up. on hindsight i guess it is probably better to have lived life feeling great joy and enlightenment at the expense of angsty depression than to have life banal.

so while i am riding high on the hope that i can create beauty and wonder with my own hands and mind, i will work through the night and aspire to feel achievement in the morning.