gilmore girls changed my life. it's a terrible addiction.it makes me yearn it makes me want to dance around in gutteral happiness, it makes me me smile wispy smiles, it makes me love to live. it's my will to live! oh sigh sigh. sunday night and i'm feeling restless. i need a good long run. weekend with the family was good although i did not do any work, i don't know why i'm so exhausted. sometimes i feel i have to be more intellectual that i want to be more intellectual that i want to know everything in the world, oh where do i find the time to consume everything in this wide wild marvellous world? it's the night. it's a night i feel like going out to have fun and doing something outrageous, making a decision i'll never make when i'm sane. it's a nuance filled evening. the tensed moment just before the bomb drops, the pregnant pause you just manifest in silence, or rather, cool sounds into the night.

i remember how when i was doing work for crit at home in the afternoon my dad would boil red bean soup and tell me to eat. and how late into the night my mom would remind me to drink the chicken herbal soup boiled earlier on, and in the morning when i witness the sunrise while cadding my mom would bring me a bottle of chilled bird's nest before she leaves for work. associated with doing work at home are lots of delicious and nostalgic smells and tastes.

follow the night
Can't stand the light
When will I begin
To live again?


One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
What more could your love do for me?
When will love be through with me?
Why live life from dream to dream...
And dread the day
When dreaming ends?


One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
Why live life from dream to dream?
And dread the day
when dreaming ends


One day I'll fly away
Fly, fly
Away



- Someday I'll Fly Away, Moulin Rouge

not reflective of my situation, but oh, so sorrowful.

so many movies so little time. or rather, at the wrong time they're all out.
i'd like to catch: sylvia, monster, the big fish, girl with the pearl earring, along came polly...not to mention a list of films i'd love to catch at the school libarary before i graduate.

had lunch with MY at holland village, and grocery shopping at cold storage. and now back in my room, all dim and cosy away from the glares of the hot blazing afternoon sun, with kjazz filling the room. what a great atmosphere to be doing work in, and oh ya a mug of warm cleansing green tea to top it all off.

listening to:

desdafino by coleman hawkins
then
the gilmore girls soundtrack
then
the virgin suicides soundtrack
then
lisa ekdahl sings slavadore poe (currently)

what a contrast in experience.

and not when writing the above entry four hours after leaving her you are already shedding tears and your heart aches still.

some things might be rather mundane to record, but not this.

not when your mom decides to take the longer route on the mrt line to keep you company and talk to you when you return to the hostel; not when you feel so precious as she suggests sitting somewhere after dinner to have a drink and catch up on things, to talk and spend time together one on one. not when you feel so at ease slipping your arms into hers and listening to her soothing calming voice, her advice, her take on life and it makes you want to be a better person than you are now. not when you hesitantly but warmly and reassuringly accepts when she insists on giving you money to top up your ezlink card as if you're still a little dependent girl. not when your heart aches at every cuddle, every squeeze in your hands, every gentle hug and caress as you leave the train and she continues on her journey and you don't want to leave her side ever, like you were a five year old girl;

and you feel that when you have a kid you'd want to be a mother exactly like her a hundred percent and nothing less. dear mom, i love you crazily, achingly so.

*burp*

not a very good idea to have beer and pretzels in hall when i'm trying to do work. the beer just makes me wanna go sleep and the pretzels just make me full which makes me wanna go sleep even more.

*burp* again. shucks.

and they say, the grass is always greener on the other side.

i miss the snow in canada, the chilly huddling weather, the romatic (not lovey duvy but dreamlike) atmosphere of a holiday, seeing new things and all.

i'd like another winter holiday please. i'd like to live abroad through all the seasons and experiences.

i've been back barely two months and i long to go abroad again. sigh.

what is it? what is the most terrible thing to happen. it's to let fear overshadow confidence and enthusiasm and passion so as not to go out there and put in your utmost effort to lead a full life. i say, (to myself) to take on anything that makes me fear. and that for now, is design. so, i shall, not just be inspired to churn out ideas, but conquer fear, and put in hard work, to become better than i think myself to be.

films impact me immensely. these are the few films that have kinda given my heart and mind the 'bling bling' and knock that made me gasp in wonder at life and take another comforting dive back into my imagination.

the professional;gattaca;the shawshank redemption;fight club;american history x;the little chinese seamstress;great expectations;cold mountain;love me if you dare;trainspotting;citizen kane;to kill a mockingbird;annie hall;gone with the wind;almost famous; 2001 a space odyssey

already overwhelmed by the amount of books i have to consume in my life time, where am i going to find the time to watch all the other great films? that's not even encluding the none english ones. aargh!!

was just thinking about the movie lost in translation. it's either you hate it or you love it. that got me thinking into what i liked about it. well i didn't particularly like the relationships as in old man falling for young girl, both kissing other people whilst being married. what i love about the show, is the way coppola created such moments filled with meaning and intensity, how i was able to sympathise with the characters, great acting, the drifty surreal, thinking nature of the movie. that's what i love about it. and the poignancy of urban life is brought out in a very real way, a very raw depiction of the emotions in urban life and contemporary global lifestyles. well it may not be as deep as that but that's what i like. i especially like the scene where she's sitting at her window high up in the hotel room looking down at the cityscape.

yet another movie, is cold mountain. the passion is immense. this one is more intense in another sense, there's life and death involved. lost in translation is more about the social boundaries and this one is about love transpassing the military code of honour. to turn back as jude law did for his love is as brave as going foward to war, if not, even more. the movie is set in another time frame i indulged alot in when i was young, reading laura ingalls wilder's life in early america, reading lucy laud montomery [is that the actual name? i forgot]'s anne of green gables series and the subsequent eight books ending up in her daughter in the civil war period. everything was passionate. the emotions, the weather, and the conservative nature of people then made the moments even more poignant when not every feeling could be voiced out or expressed as openly as now. and war. i'm so grateful that i am not in the midst of one. that would be the most horriblest thing ever.

and love me if u dare. another show that set me thinking about love. the passion, so raw. extreme, yes. but well, what would u do for love?

i still live, in my imagination. that's the place where life is at its most intense for me.

birds, they're alright. but the way they screech outside my window...think alfred hitchcock. EVERYMORNING AT 5, EVERYEVENING AT 7, EVERYNIGHT AT 12.
*shudders* keeping my windows tightly shut.

if i win a shopping spree for anything in the world, my first destination will be marc jacobs [the designs! frou frou preppy] and zac posen. [the texture! the layering!] sighhhh.

met MY for cold mountain. jude law didn't fail me. walked from city hall to bedok. ok we took a bus midway but we walked most of the way. had hokkein mee, sugar cane juice. He got me the Lost in Translation OST. i like!

i love u so much. can't tell u how, even my letters with illegible handwriting fail to express how much. i forgot to give u card vol. 2. will do so :)

i dreamt that i was in brenda's hostel room and wanying and leo called to borrow my shakespeare notes (?????) and i told them to come up to the room and when i opened the door some representatives from the zoo presented me with a baby polar bear and i accepted it like it was the most natural thing in the world to do, only worrying that i can't keep pets in hostel. (?????) now, what in the world does that interprete to????? my dreams are getting stranger.

maybe that's cos i had dinner with wanying day before and i met her at coffee club with leo last night; went to brenda's room yesterday; been talking abt animals - to sy about how we don't really go gaga over animals, to brenda over the weird sounds from outside the window: birds or monkeys?; well so....psychologically what does it mean? haha.

got woken up by stupid hollaring birds in the trees outside the window. which is a good thing i guess cos i have to wake up to do my stuff. yesterday, dim sum at holland v with MY and coffee with wynnie at night. my capri pants died on me yesterday, the zip did, that spells the end of the six year relationship i have with this one faithful piece of clothing :(

back to work. cal de sacs. corners. voids and surfaces. arise.

later, cold mountain with MY, jude law again, will never fail to make it a brilliant movie. then to bedok for hokkein mee! what's this with me desiring more hawker food as i grow older. me and MY, eating machines. haha.

whaddahothotdayimmeldingalreadyluckilymyroomizcomfiandshadi.......

i don't like cats.

i'll never own a cat.

well ok the only reason i'd like to have a cat so i can name it 'Cat' and call it the way audrey hepburn does in breakfast at tiffany's.

'CAT..oh CAT!' * with the emphasis on 'a'

on tues. My came. we went fung seng. we da baoed. we bought chocolate. we talked. about:

gilmore girls, the tay family, clementi 'oor luat'.

on sat i will get to eat bedok hokkein mee! woohoo.

idea came!

now idea has to grow. really, really, grow.

and what's the worst thing ever to feel?

regret.

that's what governs tolerance, discipline and determination to change for the better.

then again that stems from not wanting to feel regretful.

so then, instead of fearing the negative, one should strive for the positive.

and also,


Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. —James 1:19

and as i grow older it is becoming harder and harder to remain totally truthful to myself. i hate to lie. i hate to be mean. but i find my internal supply of goodness waning as i grow older and i'm churning out more selfishness and fear, loathing for myself because i cannot be utterly transparent in what i do and in what i say. volatile. there are too many grey areas. money can't solve my problems, intelligence can't melt my woes, awareness just makes me think too much and realise there are more grey areas in the world than before. and it's so hard cos you can't commit to just yourself. you have to commit to a million other things and forces and people around you. not that it's bad. i guess i'm just moping. it's night and i'm so worried about graduating the fear is physical. i get stiffness and i can't do stuff until i literally force myelf to think about other stuff of go straight to my work to distract my rather irritatingly weak mind. one shouldn't be left much time for procrastinating when one gets older. it dulls the mind into a horrible state of lackerdasical whatevers and that's when you start to not care about anything. i have nothing to grumble about, i have eveything i need and even more so, but i guess when fear grips you by the throat you have to let go somewhere and here is where i am. and yes i've left my faith on top of the shelf so i guess it's time to retrieve it. maybe i'm just hungry. i'll have an apple.

from this day forth
i get serious about what i do
i'm going to work very hard
i'm going to be very nice

today we went to watch kent ridge hall's production. me, sabri, ade and denise. first semi-official tsd 98 reunion since jc. it was tight enough we agreed, with only five main characters and luckily the cast was good. yingyu did well as the bimbo who dissolved into a heartrending remorseful character at the end. it was tsd-ish! with the wayang sequence, the spots and all. directorial debut of ranjan. one of the better hall plays i've seen.somehow those involving tsd people seem tighter. i guess when it's with great company like the girls, that makes it like twice as good. the singing was not stunning however, all but the sarah character kinda minced their words, didn't enunciate properly, pink panther theme song reminding me of the tsd a levels. can't wait to go back this year to see public p. go back and visit the PE teachers, mr samuel lim, lofty and, the fruit stall, tsd studio, odac room...scowl at all the current students there taking over my beloved ex school. i can't remember who borrowed the cd, it was one of my favourites. sigh. all the good memories, the good vibes. we're meeting again next week before denise dear flies off back to australia.

went back to hostel. discovered a million other vj people living above and opposite me. had an apple, two cups of green tea and an idea. i'm happy.

i think i'm obsessed.
i want to watch every episode
over and over again.
and i go online to read the transcripts.

gilmore girls. the addiction.

the flaming lips album. wow.

downloaded
and listening.

>> the strokes.last night
>> air.playground love
>> sigur ros.svefn g englar

i went out and music killed me.
got air's moon safari and weezer's the green album for island in the sun. this is a confession.

no more.

i a m s o t i r e d .

porriage at crystal jade. yum.

i love, that i am able to read, that i am able to absorb knowledge. i love, that i can think.i love, that i can enter the realm of academia, intellectual thought, though sometimes it's a monster.

lost in translation. the urban life. the poignancy. i love, that i am a city girl. i love - that i can feel intensely, that i can think intensely. now all i have to do in life, is only to learn, how to express intensely. i love the music of the show. i think that's one of the contributing factors that makes it such a contemplative film. it's not wow wow, like visually so, but it's such a emotionally pretty film. it's not intense-intense, but it's poignant in a way that skims over the surface of your thoughts lightly, then reaches in deeper in a melty sort of way....lava lamp-ish.

i love, the music. is the cd out yet? Scarlett Johansson is striking. she has thinking eyes. and those lips. she's my new desktop wallpaper. the one with her looking out of the window onto the city. that's such a nicely framed shot...the hovering, the unsureness, the thought-filled moments.