deserving is not a good phrase some times. it makes one expect and expectations can be deceiving. such things can't be quantified hence how do you measure deserving? i don't want to write stuff of dramatised metaphorical deaths. i want to hide in my cranny and let no one know me. i also want to be the most famous wonderwoman in the world. how much at one time or other moments do the real parts of you leak out? how much can strangers and friends and loved ones decipher from you and your moods, words, and actions? real is not truth in absolute so there is no real real so thus we are all characters donning our costumes. this is not a bad thing. sometimes it can be. sometimes it is a good and fun thing and sometimes it is scary and sometimes it is confusing. when is a schizo not a schizo? music can change the world. so can tolstoy, balzac, and of course, any UK issue of VOGUE magazine. i am longing for some words but i can't find them, words to describe why i'd lean over and hug you and not let you go and words to describe how much i love you, poetic words, sylvia plath - intense and original words, but now i can't and i'm so frustrated. where's the apt song i need now? oh you urbane superlove!