last night, did you smell it? the smell of earth and grass that came with that type of rain. it's now raining at sunset, yet another good feeling.

must be a robot these days. emotionless with regards to doing and doing with regards to system and consistency.

humility does not equal lack of confidence
confidence comes from knowledge and skill and awareness
knowledge skill and awareness comes from consistency and hard work
consistency and hard work come from determination and peserverance

both of which comes from a strong source of will

of which is God.

and i reach for my oswald chambers:

"Sinful men and women can be changed into new creatures, not by their repentance or their belief, but by the marvelous work of God in Christ Jesus which is prior to all experience. The impregnable safety of justification and sanctification is God Himself. We have not to work these things ourselves; they have been worked out by the Atonement. The supernatural becomes natural by the miracle of GOd; there is ther ealisation of what Jesus Christ has already done - it is finished."

therefore mei, ride on this and not self loathing and pity and comparison, which is all human, probably normal, but destructive.

went home last night. i love my family so much, they're in my bones. you realise, we are really, all of the same flesh and the same blood. even more metaphysically than physical, that is why i am awed and feel blessed.