and as i grow older it is becoming harder and harder to remain totally truthful to myself. i hate to lie. i hate to be mean. but i find my internal supply of goodness waning as i grow older and i'm churning out more selfishness and fear, loathing for myself because i cannot be utterly transparent in what i do and in what i say. volatile. there are too many grey areas. money can't solve my problems, intelligence can't melt my woes, awareness just makes me think too much and realise there are more grey areas in the world than before. and it's so hard cos you can't commit to just yourself. you have to commit to a million other things and forces and people around you. not that it's bad. i guess i'm just moping. it's night and i'm so worried about graduating the fear is physical. i get stiffness and i can't do stuff until i literally force myelf to think about other stuff of go straight to my work to distract my rather irritatingly weak mind. one shouldn't be left much time for procrastinating when one gets older. it dulls the mind into a horrible state of lackerdasical whatevers and that's when you start to not care about anything. i have nothing to grumble about, i have eveything i need and even more so, but i guess when fear grips you by the throat you have to let go somewhere and here is where i am. and yes i've left my faith on top of the shelf so i guess it's time to retrieve it. maybe i'm just hungry. i'll have an apple.